Come and get it!
So, this is how this year ends…
Because this is a normal blog where we write “as we speak” yes not as the saying, but literally as a transcript of what we speak. (by we, I mean ME, you know that).
Yesterday we were having a conversation with a girl friend (not girlfriend) telling us her story about dating with her two last men, most of you dear readers already know my thoughts about some silly childish behavior in adults, with that in mind I kept hearing all she had to say.
Clearly, she was disappointed of the things that at her age, 38, she was expecting from a man around her age, 37, about the future and the things he would want to have for his life. Now, yes, I know the “level of maturity” is based mostly on the type of education when rising a person, also academically it impacts and of course the location, some people will mature quicker and sooner than others and so on. So she was complaining that at some point she wanted to “make sure” he was the person she would want to continue dating, so she made the following questions in order as per below:
- Would you want to have children?
- How many?
- How financially independent are you from your parents?
I am not going to give more details on the extensive answers she got from him, basically it can be reduced to 1. Yes, 2. Around 2, 3. … …
So number 3 was the most difficult one; I believe for most of the people that question is very complicated to answer, sometimes because we are passing one of those down sides in our financial lives (yes, we all go through that), other times because we simply have not had the chance to “break even” and sometimes because we ourselves choose to be tied to somebody else, that could be most of the cases a relative although not always. There were many excuses about why not, the lady in this story tried to tell him that there is a difference between “I live with my parents” and “my parents live with me”, (former was for him) and why he should be able to independently live his life, that yes, includes helping the parents if required/needed.
Conversation turned emotional, the guy was telling her how hard it was for him during childhood, that he never had opportunities which is in part why at this point in his life he was still living with his parents, yadda yadda yadda… the end of the story is that she felt like she was not going anywhere with him and decided to end up.
By the time this story ended it was around 2 hours after the conversation started, so we stared talking about something else, whatever came to our minds. Suddenly she was like “wait, wait, now I get it”… I replied “you get what exactly?” (I mean, we were talking about many things, almost at the same time, you know one of those things we humans like, talking about anything almost at the same time). She continued, “now I know why he didn’t want to engage” … here is the “executive summary”.
While she was analyzing this guy’s behavior, she realized that actually when he was questioned about having children and even though the answer was a clear “yes” the next question should have been “when”, remember, it’s not the same as I say “I would want to buy a bike” than “I would want to buy a bike next year”. So the main problem was about TIME they both where talking, because at the end they both were thinking in the same goal, her, for short term and him for long term.
I believe communication is important for everyone, not just couples but also those who think of having a couple and thinking for future, makes me thing, what is that thing that is causing people to keep things for themselves? Clearly in this example it’s not that “there was a misunderstanding” they both clearly wanted to have kids, but why not explicitly telling each other about the timeframe each was expecting. Would it sound “invasive” or “neurotic”? (like the meme, she actually asked my opinion about her being neurotic) I clearly think she was not, I strongly believe she was just being honest and thus because she saw herself as “too honest” by telling the other person “yes I want children too but in the short term” and so she kept it for herself, perhaps she was thinking “we are around the same age, we should be aiming for the same goal around the same time” that is “assuming” and yes that is wrong from any angle. I am tempted to say that everyone reading this humble post would agree with me that assuming stuff without having it cleared with the other person is totally wrong and as such we should be able to avoid at any cost always.
Now, thinking about this from a man’s perspective, IF we want to start a new life with a person we should be able to cut off all the previous links that would attach to a adult-life as a single, I am in the strong position about the mere fact of “closing the cycles” I once was a child, then a teenager and never went back to be a child again, once an early adult, never going back to teenager and so on; if we keep that logic, then once we decide to formally pursue life with another person once has to be fully prepared for the life as a couple, taking care of all those house-hold chores and responsibilities; at this point you, dear reader, could be complaining that “not all of us have the same opportunities” (yes, that is fine) but we do choose what to do with all that, and it’s part of being an adult to take control of our matters as such, as adults, we simple can not be “adult for some things” and “sons of parents for other things”, like I have seen people that are “adults for drinking” but are “sons when it comes to paying the rent alone”; Do we want to do adult things, great! Be a 100% adult! That is what life is about. No, this is not for a man only; women, do you really want to form a family? Yes, go for it, but be aware of all of the things it entails, we can not simple “dream of a family” with the arms crossed, seated and waiting “for the prince to come to save you” honestly that is much Disney stuff or in Latin America like “Mexican novelas” clearly that is a BS, life is way different than that and you’d better start realizing of that before it takes all of you.
My mother always told me, even “eating is hard when the soup is hot”, she meant, everything entails effort, if even eating entails effort imagine planning a future with a person, nothing is for free in this world and that is fair; one of the examples I always use is a true story of a tree that because of the heavy rainfall collapsed and fell off on my property closing the roads, some of the municipality guys came over to remove it from the road and make the transit available but left chunks of the tree next to my garden so I stood up a for long in front of those chunks and thinking “this is great, wood for my firepit” and it looked like the tree was telling me (even when already fallen off) “do you want me to warm your house? Then COME and GET IT”… and so I did. I am sure you already know the feeling we get when we work for our stuff and see it concluded. So f**ng satisfying! (if your kids are reading this, just make up a word with f 😉 ).
We ended the conversation very late in the night, you guys already know what happens when I get coffee and nice people with profound conversations 😊 when almost ending the conversation one thing I recall the lady in our story said was: just because our plans didn’t match doesn’t mean I or him were a bad person, it’s just that the plans did not match, that is it all. This might be happening to you dear reader, and yes, not necessarily because you are a bad person (unless you are a really bad person but that is for your own judgement lol) simply the match is not yet on your plate, no yet. Thank you for reading me.